Party Time

I attended a Memorial Day party tonight; a friend who has a beautiful house overlooking the city. He invited a large number of people, some of whom I know, all of them members of different informal singles groups in town. It was supposed to be a toga party, but since it was raining and unseasonably cool I decided to forgo the toga. Bad move, since most of the people at the party were indeed wearing togas.

Two interesting points. First, I spent some time talking to this one girl I've talked to a few times before. She's a couple of years older than me, cute, smart. I never asked her out because she's looking for a nice Jewish boy and of course I'm not him. Anyway, I ask her how she's doing and she tells me a good friend of hers just passed away and she's feeling horrible. So we spend 20 or 30 minutes talking about it (mostly her talking, me listening). After this conversation she leaves to go dance, and I wonder -- what was that about? I'm glad to be a good shoulder/ear -- I've always considered it important to be able to really listen to people. But my DCG side says this doesn't get me anywhere, and may even have negative repercussions. Sheesh.

The second, more positive point is that a girl I'd not seen in a while showed up a bit late. L is a couple years older than I am, very smart and successful, cute, nice body, all around cool person. About a year and a half ago we had gone for a snack after a group event and she admitted she'd had a crush on me. Of course, she was admitting this since she had just started seriously dating a guy. Figures! And I had been totally clueless and hadn't realized she had a crush on me. Anyway, she shows up at the party. Me, being the bold person I am now, asks her if she's still dating so-and-so. She says no, but she's now dating a guy who is (no joke!) a multimillionaire in town. He's off in the Caribbean so she decided to come hang out. Sheesh. Anyway, we spend almost the whole time she's at the party yakking and having a good time, and when it's time to leave she gives me a big hug and tells me I should call/email her some time. Once again I say what the hell? Whatever. I might call her and do something with her just 'cause I'm bored but how can I compete with multimillionaire?

Audioblogger

So as you can see I signed up with Audioblogger. It's pretty simple to use and I'm more-or-less pleased with my test run below, although of course I think my voice sounds different than it does there. I'm blaming it on my cell phone!

It did occur to me that audioblogger is the perfect opportunity for drunk-dialing -- now drunk-dialing can be inflicted on the whole world! Rest assured that won't be happening on THIS blog though!

... Or Not

Oookay! Just got this IM from MedGirl...

(17:37:11) {MedGirl}: hey....I just wanted to let you know that I'm not doing any of this anymore. I'm sorry I never really got to know you but I'm not happy and I don't want to do this. I hope you find what you're looking for!!!

Right! There it is.

MedGirl Steps Up

I backed off with MedGirl for a couple of days; then today I was IMing briefly with MedGirl while I was at work, and asked her about weekend plans. She said she had none. She asked me about mine, and I told her I had some plans for Friday and Saturday nights but that was about it. So I asked her if she'd like to get together Sunday afternoon or Monday, and she said "sure." Wow, that was simple!

Nurse Single Mom

I was at [sports activity place] again this evening and once more bumped into Nurse Single Mom and her daughter. I talked with her a little bit when I first got there, and she seemed friendly enough, but afterward when everyone was leaving she was preoccupied talking with others and didn't seem interested in talking with me. Hmmph!

Wanting and Needing

August Lioness writes beautifully on her blog about wanting vs. needing, and sharing, and poignantly asks:

How am I ever going to make a man feel like he's needed if I am not looking for someone because I need him, but because I want to share my life with someone?

Our heart's deepest longing is to be known, understood, and accepted as we are. This is unconditional love and it's pretty rare. Your desire to have someone there to listen, someone to share your stories with is pretty natural and there's nothing wrong with it.

Personally, I would like a woman who *wants* me but doesn't *need* me -- or so I say. Let's face it, if an SO doesn't need you it's hard for most people to feel confident enough in themselves to think that he/she won't leave.

If you are an honest person, you can't make a man feel you need him if you actually don't. So the question really becomes, how can you be an independent, complete person and still need a man? I think the answer is that you can be complete in your self and independent, yet that is not sufficient. John Donne said, "no man is an island." Part of what it is to be a man (a human being) is to be in relation, in community -- and that being in relation starts with husband and wife (a family) and extends from there to all of society. We aren't meant to be individuals all holding each other at arm's length, proudly proclaiming our independence.

Another way of looking at this is to say that a person on a desert island can educate himself to the best of his ability, learning from books and studying. Still, while he is complete of himself he doesn't really know what it's like to be fulfilled so long as he is closed in on himself. There are things he's lacking that he can't do by himself, experiences he can never have without being in relation with others.

The search for autonomy can be a good one, and it's important, I think, to be self-sufficient and able to take care of ourselves and to find happiness within ourselves, not expecting or needing it to be infused in us by others. That doesn't mean that being in a love relationship is not something we need to help us grow, and to fulfill our potential.

Update on J

I just got an email from J (Match.com girl):

Hi {DCG},

Sorry for not replying sooner. Please don't take it personally. I guess {sister's best friend} probably told you a little - but I am having some very difficult times right now and haven't been up to talking with anyone. My daughter is my number one priority and we have some issues to deal with right now. It isn't something I want to bring anyone into - that's why I really don't want to talk to anyone right now. Boy, what timing! Now I understand what people mean in their profiles about baggage - but I never thought it would be me.

I'll talk to ya later.
J

I sent her a note back thanking her for letting me know what's up and offering a sympathetic ear/shoulder.

*sigh*

Confusion

So I came home and got online and Medgirl signed on to IM, so I blew my DCG routine by IMing her. We had a nice conversation for about 30 minutes, so it would seem I didn't blow it with her after all, I guess.

Match.com Girls

Two interesting updates. First, Match.com girl #1 (we'll call her MedGirl) finally was online at the same time as me, so we wound up IMing for about 2 hours last night. An interesting conversation for the most part. It's a little eerie, though -- as it turns out we live thisclose to each other. We talked about a bunch of things -- food, movies, family, etc. She also sent me a picture -- cute enough. At one point though, she asked me how many women I've met off the Internet and I think I said 5 (sad, I know). She said she's met about 15 guys. From there she said something like she's given up on meeting guys on the net. I asked if that included me and she went on to discuss what kind of relationship we might or might not have. She said she's not interested in an LTR and I said that was fine, I expected that since she's starting med school. From there it went into something about howshe dated a guy and he went all long-term on her right at the beginning, discussing marriage and children etc. and how that was disturbing. I agreed. Since she had previously mentioned that she'd lived with a guy for 3 years 5 years ago (she's only 26) I assumed that she probably still had some issues there. Anyway, I made what I thought was a cool observation about the irony of her telling me all this, which was a mistake since she said "sorry" and I said "just givin' ya shit" and shortly thereafter she said she was tired (it was only 10:30 p.m.) and had to go. So, I think I kind of blew that one. Dumb!

The other story is rather amusing. I was at a family gathering on Saturday so got a chance to pester my sister and brother about Match.com girl #2, "J". Not much that was "new" per se, except that suddenly my brother chimes in with "Well, there's the boob job she got last year!" And my sister's friend (who's friends with J) yells "you shouldn't have said that!". I just laughed. Apparently J got her boobs done about a year ago, she felt that they were too small for her proportionately. Having seen just a couple of pictures it appears she didn't overdo it or anything, they appeared pretty natural and normal-sized. I just found it interesting since it's not something I ever think about in 40-year-old women for some reason.

I have to say that it seems like since I started writing this blog I've had more stuff going on than I thought or hoped for. I don't know if it's just that I am realizing I'm not such a loser, or that I'm being more bold to pursue women. Either way I'm happy about it.

Reading Signals

One of the things I decided recently is that I really do need to get out more. Tonight I went to a party for some friends who got engaged recently, at a small bar/restaurant place. I spend an hour or so yakking with a girl sitting next to me who's off to South America to do Good Deeds, then switch places and go to the end of the table and start chatting up Engineer Girl. She's probably early 30s, tall, long blonde hair, nice body, a little plain. I'd met her a couple of times before at events with these same friends. She's very opinionated and a little obnoxious. For some reason though we had a pretty nice conversation and I noticed she touched me several times, on the shoulder, the elbow, and the forearm (she also gave me a hug when I came in). So I'm thinking this is going pretty well. At one point toward the end of the evening I take her right hand and ask her about a ring she's wearing.

At some point in the conversation (which is mostly her bitching about her boss being an asshole) the conversation wanders to diseases (SARS, West Nile, whooping cough, etc.) and she says something about getting tested for AIDS regularly "between partners" and then I say something pretty dumb like laughing 'cause I've not really had a need for such tests in years. (sad, but true, but not the best time to say it!)

So at the end of the evening I volunteer to walk her to her car as it's late and not such a good neighborhood. I figure I should get a hug out of this, but nope, she just says goodnight, gets in her car and drives off. Huh? Was she upset I didn't ask her for her phone number? I figured I'd see how it goes next time I see her and get it then, or just get it from her friend. Hmm.

Match.com update: Had a couple of emails back and forth with "J" a.k.a match.com #2, turns out she took her profile down because her ex has gone psycho/postal on her (she's been divorced 5 years). Hadn't heard from #1, so sent her a short "how's it going" email, got a quick response from her asking for my IM, so emailed it to her. This was before the party. Got home, and signed on to IM and she's requested to be my buddy, but she's idle. Grr.

Now THERE'S A Novel Approach

Check out Samantha's report on a recent first date. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. I'm all for being a bit aggressive, but that's a bit much, eh?

Match.com Girl #2

I had a nice long email from match.com girl #2, "J". She sounds pretty nice. I emailed her back with some info about my self and asked her a few questions too. I noticed that she has hidden her profile on match.com now, and I wonder what that means. Is it a good sign? A coincidence? What? It could mean she thinks I'm a serious candidate and she doesn't want to be distracted. Or it could mean she's got 5 guys she's working on and that's plenty for now :-).

Help me out, readers! What does it mean?

Still nothing from match.com girl #1.

Another Date With SG

I watched a movie with SG tonight (Lemony Snicket. Strange movie, but fun). Once again we were quite snuggly, but it was more me snuggled to her than vice-versa. Finally at one point she said I made her nervous; I said I was sorry to do so. She said she wasn't sure she could return my feelings. All sends very rejection-like, doesn't it? But the body language was quite different, for right after she said that she snuggled up next to me. Very strange!

After the movie we were talking and she said something I don't remember, and I said "Should I leave you alone?" in a mock-horror kind of tone, and she smiled and said of course not, she enjoys my company.

All in all it sounds like she likes me, she's just very shy or unsure. I can deal with that. Between our two schedules we don't have a lot of time anyway.

Match.com update -- I've not heard anything from either of the two women. Hmm.

Match.com

So, I was trolling match.com on the weekend, because I was bored. Decided to look through some profiles without pictures (normally I don't), and found one that sounded interesting -- med student, 26 but willing to look at oldsters like me :-). Describes herself as "a few extra pounds" which can be okay or not, depending on how few we're talking about and where they are :-). Still, definitely smart which is always a good thing. So I sent her an email and got one back Sunday morning. She lives really close to me, apparently. Sounds nice enough. Hell, it's just exciting to actually get a response. Emailed her back but nothing yet.

The second case was more amusing -- emailed a woman (my age) on Thursday I think. Got a note from her this morning -- turns out she works with my sister and knows one of my brothers. I had to smile at that. She wrote me back, so sis must not have said anything too bad. We'll see. She looks promising -- cute, 41, divorced, has a daughter, loves music. We'll see.

Single Moms

I see it's been almost a week since my last post, and I apologize! Not much this week to blog about, but I'll work on the first item.

Tuesday evening I was at [sports activity place], not a usual time/day for me to be there (I'm there a lot). I bumped into Nurse Single Mom and her daughter. I'd not seen them in about a month or 6 weeks, perhaps. NSM is very cute, early 30s I'd guess, and as the name says, a nurse and single mom (at least, I'm pretty sure -- no ring and I believe she mentioned something about an ex). Her daughter is just adorable -- around 11, I think, and cute as a button and smart too. I'm at an age when I am sometimes wishing I'd had an opportunity to have kids -- I really like them. My experience with my brother's kids suggests I am better with girls than with boys, which makes sense -- my parents were divorced when I was young and I was mostly raised by my sister, while my Mom was going to school (bachelor's and master's degrees). I really enjoy my nieces, while my nephew is a little harder for me to connect with.

Anyway, interestingly enough NSM was very friendly and asked me how I was and commented how she'd not seen me in a long while. (The last time I'd seen her I'd fallen while [sports activity] and had asked her to look at my wrist (since she IS a nurse); I'd sprained it. She had helped me carry my stuff out to my car and was generally very nice. ) Anyway, we wound up talking and joking a bit while walking out to the parking lot.

Not sure how to proceed on this one. Fortunately it's pretty easy to DCG this one since when I'm at [sports activity place] I'm usually pretty focused on [sports activity] and not in a mood to be on the sidelines chatting. Still, I'd like to spend more time talking to her and showing a bit of interest.

Mis(?)-reading Signs

So, I took SG to see "Crash" tonight. Great movie, I highly recommend it. Picked her up and went to the movie, then afterwards we grabbed some coffee and hung out for a half hour or so, then took her home and hung out for 5 more minutes, after which she claimed to be tired and kicked me out.

I'm thinking I seriously misjudged her level of interest. Oh well!

Sickly Girl

So I had a date tonight, with a girl I'll call Sickly Girl (SG). I've known SG for probably 7 or 8 years. For a long time I thought she was a hypochondriac but I've decided she probably isn't. She's had a variety of health problems. She's 29, tall, cute but a little ungraceful.

SG dated a somewhat older guy for a long time (probably 6+ years) throughout her college years and after, then he somewhat unceremoniously dumped her. We've often done various friend-type activities -- the occasional movie, baseball or football game. Strictly platonic, though, at least on her side, and while I thought she was kind of cute, her sickly tendencies were very offputting. The last straw for me was in the fall, when we were supposed to go to a football game together and she called me that morning and said she was sick and couldn't go. I decided I just couldn't count on her for anything that was time-sensitive like that. Cold hearted? No, just practical. When you already have tickets for an activity and someone stands you up like that, then, even when it's not something they can help, you tend to think twice about planning such things in the future. Still, I did the typical nice guy things, sending her a Christmas card, etc.

About 6 weeks ago was her birthday, and I sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday. She called me (or emailed me, I don't remember) to say thanks and ask if I wanted to get together that evening. That was unprecedented.

Anyway, since that time we've gone out a total of 4 times including tonight. The first was her birthday, and was just a quick bite at a restaurant. A couple of weeks after that I took her to the opera; then a couple of weeks later to a movie (The Ring Two, Samantha, and you're right, it was lacking). Tonight I took her to improv comedy, but after the show she said she was tired and I just took her home. While we were driving she mentioned that she wanted to see "Crash" and we are going to see it tomorrow.

Up until tonight I think I was DCG-ing her pretty well, but I think I broke down a bit. She's kind of an odd duck, though -- she's very hand-holdy and snuggly, but our kisses have been nice, but superficial -- no tongue! How weird is that? So I'm not sure what the heck is going on here -- maybe she doesn't either. I suspect DCG would have just stuck his tongue in her mouth and not worried about it; but I didn't manage it. Hmmph!

Annoying Women

Wednesday night I was out at [sports activity place] and bumped into a woman I know. I'll call her Annoying Crafts Girl (ACG). I've known ACG for about a year, maybe a year and a half. We both participate in [sports activity]. She is about 32, divorced, has a daughter. She teaches crafts for a living (thus the name) and is somewhat on the annoying side. Physically she's cute, in good shape, but a little on the thin side.

Last year we both participated in [sports activity] and she expressed a desire to do [shared sports activity] with me. She's repeated this several times, both to me and to mutual acquaintances. At the time I pretty much told her I didn't have the time for it.

When I saw her Wednesday night we were making small talk -- she was telling me gossip that I already knew (everyone tells me everything). At one point she said something like, "I guess I'm getting cynical -- not getting laid will do that to you." Of course my mental ears went up at that one. Then she went on to once again suggest that we should do [shared sports activity]. This time (forgetting my previous line) I told her "we'll see." She got all excited about this since she decided this meant I am giving in (or starting to).

I'm trying to analyze this one. She IS cute, but like I said, rather annoying. It's hard for me to picture her as GF material. And see how quickly I revert to nice guy mode? I'm not sure whether to continue to ignore her, or give her a little more slack and see what happens.

The ironic part of DCG, if you haven't figured it out yet, is that it's easiest to DCG when you genuinely don't care -- when the girl is unattractive (physically, mentally, spiritually, politically, whatever). Of course that means that you are likely to attract the attention of girls you'd rather not, and have to work hard to DCG the ones that you are actually interested in.

What a twisted world we live in!

Thanks Singular Man!

Thanks to Singular Man for linking to me and blogging about the Don't Care Guy attitude.

I'll blog more tonight, just wanted to get that in.

High Maintenance Friends

One of the people in my life is probably my closest friend in town. I'll call her High Maintenance Girl (HMG). I've known HMG for about 4 years. She is considerably younger than me (about 15 years). When I first met her she flirted with me a lot but after some confusion eventually made it quite clear she wasn't attracted to me. We became quite close. HMG is the epitome of the Type-T high maintenance; she calls me several times a day and we hang out a lot (although less lately than we used to), and of course the focus is mostly on her and her issues/problems/life.

HMG ostensibly has a boyfriend, but that hasn't stopped her from lusting after and sometimes sleeping with several guys in the time I've known her.

For the first couple of years that I knew her I was firmly convinced that after she really got to know me she'd be more interested -- hell, I am smart, cute, and I lavish her with attention. Besides, we obviously get along and have a lot in common. It's been in the last year or so where it really sank in (especially as she went on to hook up with several guys, and of course share with me most of the details) that it just wasn't going to happen (okay, so I'm either slow or an optimist). After all, if she never touches you at all it's pretty clear she's not interested, right?

Interestingly enough, this enabled me to really start honing the DCG technique on her -- not so much deliberately or "artificially", but kind of by default -- I really just stopped caring about that part of it. I still like her and enjoy talking to her, but I really don't care about the rest. Besides, it's clear I'd just be a passing fling or another guy in the stable and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Anyway, the point is that I've noticed in the last couple of weeks or so some signs that maybe the DCG thing is having an effect: 1) she's started to call me "sweetie" in her voicemails, something she'd never done before; 2) she was talking last night about her fascination with various guys, and included me in the list, and 3) when she was leaving, she walked around her car to where I was standing on the curb, just to give me a hug.

What does it mean? I don't really know. But the encouraging thing is, I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Why not? Because I don't care.

YES!

High Maintenance

I wanted to talk a little bit about the subject of "high maintenance". Besides the obvious fact that few women will admit to being "high maintenance" (after all, if we are to believe the personal ads, any of them can go from blue jeans to dressed up and out on the town), I have noticed that the term is a bit confusing. There are, it seems to me, really two types of HM girls:

• Type-$ -- to some people this is the stereotype of HM. A HMG-Type-$ will expect you to spend lots and lots of money on her -- dinner, dancing, plays, concerts, shopping, gifts, trips, etc. Your worth to her is dependent in not-so-small measure on your ability to fund her activities. As Good Charlotte said, "vacations and shopping sprees, these are a few of her favorite things."
• Type-T -- this one is not so obvious. The HMG-Type-T will want to Talk. A lot. She will call incessantly and expect you to know all the details of her personal life -- her schedule, her friends, what she is thinking/feeling, when her period is, practically everything. Ironically she'll often rag on girls who are HMG-Type-$ -- "aren't you lucky I'm not like that!.

What makes the difference between a normal girl and an HMG? After all, everyone appreciates having money spent on them, and being listened to, so how do you tell? It's simple, really -- it's all about self-centeredness (or lack thereof). HMGs are very self-centered. They expect that because of whatever qualities they may possess, be it a great personality, a great body, intelligence, or what have you, that any guy who is worthy of their time will make them the center of his universe, to the exclusion of almost everything else.

So It Begins

Greetings! This is the inaugural post of my new blog, Don't Care Guy. Who is Don't Care Guy (DCG), you may ask? DCG is what I'm aspiring to be -- DCG is every woman's dream. While some think that woman only want to date assholes, that's not entirely true. They want to date a guy who's got it going on. They want to date a guy who's maybe not entirely available, but might be. They want to date a guy that is not uninterested; he just doesn't care one way or the other. In other words, they want to date Don't Care Guy.

This blog will chronicle my efforts to transform myself from the stereotypical "nice guy" into DCG. It will be difficult; I've been a nice guy all my life, and as you'd expect, have little to show for it on the dating front. I'm hoping that will change.

Some particulars about me -- I'm early 40s, never been married, no kids. I have a good job in the software biz and a variety of extracurricular activities. I'm not currently dating anyone seriously, but have a few prospects. Oh, and some very interesting (or perhaps not!) friends.

I'll warn you, I have no idea how often I'll post in this blog. It could be every day, it could be once a week. Who knows? Wish me luck!