Saturday, October 29, 2005

How Much Is Too Much? (a disturbing post)

Samantha has gone home for a week, then off to Portland for a week to reconnoiter; she's bringing her little sister that she hopes will move up there also. We parted under somewhat tenuous circumstances where we are trying to decide what we can or can't deal with in our future life together. It's been very stressful since at the same time I'm looking for jobs in Portland and potentially leaving my whole life behind to be with her.

And so I came across this post on Singular Man -- Negotiating Love. He's got some good points. I've had a really hard time trying to isolate what is sheer preference and what is bedrock who I am. The basic problem: I have certain expectations about a relationship that she may or may not be able to accept, i.e. that she be exclusive to me in all respects. She had said that at the time that she would never deliberately do anything to hurt me, which I took to mean that she would not sleep with other people. It now appears that I read into it what I wanted it to be, but what she meant was more along the lines of her not sleeping with other people until such time as I am okay with it. I don't see that happening, ever, but the point she raised was that "this is the way I am" and that it wouldn't mean she wouldn't always come home to me, love me, etc. She claims that this is fidelity, that the parameters of our relationship could be negotiated in such a way that I'd be okay.

While I'd like to think I'm fairly open-minded, I am rather traditional in many respects and I also happen to know that when it comes to sex I am rather insecure about myself as a lover. That, combined with the age difference, gives me an image of the future that is very disturbing for me -- 60 year old DCG being left home with the kids while 40 year old Samantha goes off to get her jollies. Or 50 year old DCG being divorced by 30 year old Samantha, losing his children and half his income while Samantha goes off with some guy she met.

Samantha's point is that she wants to sleep with other people as she wishes, from time to time -- perhaps 4 or so a year. She's already much more "experienced" than I am, probably another big reason I'm so insecure. She claims that what really counts is who she loves, who she wants to spend her life with, who she comes home to. She says that person is me. She says that I need to separate love and sex; I don't think so. Clearly she does.

I've tried to point out that if this sex is so important to her then that's not something I can readily accept (it it were truly unimportant, she would be able to let it go). She didn't have a good answer, at least that I remember.

I am truly in love with her. I'm not sure she's really ever experienced that before; and while I've certainly been in love before, I've found myself willing to make sacrifices for her I'd never even contemplated before. I believe that she does truly love me, but that this is very new for her.

So, how much is too much? I deeply want to just stay here with her and have some time to find out; I've already set the ball moving to find a new job and move to Portland. I feel rushed and out of sorts and confused. She's convinced that once we are together in Portland that everything will be fine. Moving to Portland with her still feels like the right thing to do, like some sort of destiny; but I can't help but feel that perhaps I am pushing (and being pushed) too hard, too fast. Are we masking or minimizing our problems by this move? What if I get to Portland and discover that we are truly unsuited for each other, that we've been fooling ourselves?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Our Song in Troubled Times

My job search in Portland is going well; I had a phone interview yesterday that went well, and they want to do another phone screen tomorrow or Friday. After that if it all goes well, they'll fly me up for an onsite. I'm excited.

Samantha and I had a really bad fight last night though. Some of the issues that I thought we had resolved... may not really be resolved. It's troubling in the extreme. So I'm here at work and playing iTunes since everyone else has gone home and of course I played the song that is, for me, Samantha and I's "song":

"Seven Days Without You"

Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Seven days without you

Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say


For when you and I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is..


(in case it's not clear, part of the appeal of this song is that for the few months we've been together, S has gone home to Vegas about once a month for a week or so each time. Thus... I'm always missing her)

Friday, October 07, 2005

Moving Forward

I'm glad to report that Samantha came home safely on Wednesday morning. We had The Talk that evening, and it was filled with trepidation for both of us -- both afraid we would not be able to reconcile our needs in such a way that we could move forward together.

We talked about our needs. In her case, she strongly feels that she needs to be in Portland to support her friend and be with her goddaughter, who is like her own child to her. In my case, the need for her to choose me and forsake dating other people. After some discussion about what our interactions would be like and our expectations of each other, we were able to agree.

I'm very relieved, and extremely happy. I didn't want to lose her, I didn't want to accept a situation that would make me miserable. The future looks bright in the extreme! We will be moving to Portland in the near future (I'm looking for a job already), and probably get engaged in a few months. I'm ecstatic. As Samantha said, "it seems to good to be true." But it is true.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Samantha is coming home in 20 hours! I can't wait... I'm very nervous. She's been gone for 3 weeks and we've got a lot of catching up to do.