Don't Care Guy

I'm Still Alive

2006-03-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for the disappearing act!

The move... well, it happened. It was a lot of work, and very exhausting for both of us. Samantha's Mom came out for a few days right before the move to help us with packing, and that was a Godsend, let me tell you. We had a big yardsale and got rid of lots of stuff, also Goodwill and other charities took a lot of stuff off my hands. It was really painful for a packrat like me to get rid of all that stuff.

The move itself -- a 24' truck towing a car trailer... from Arizona to Oregon in the middle of January. It was relatively uneventful but very tiring. Once we got here, things went pretty swimmingly. We got in on Thursday 1/19 evening, and by 2 p.m. the next day we had rented ourselves a nice 3-bedroom condo with a very nice landlady and a great price. Over the weekend we actually got moved in, with mucho help from Samantha's friends.

Monday 1/23 I started my new job at UberCorporation. It's a huge, huge company, 1000 times bigger than my last company. I'd not worked for a big company in a long time, but I am finally now (almost 2 months later) feeling reasonably well adapted.

As for Samantha and I... hm. It's been really all over the place. Feb. 20th we had a ragingly nasty fight, so much so that she went to her friend's house and spent the night there. That was probably the worst. After that we had a long talk about ourselves, how we relate, and how we interact. From that we came up with some ideas that are really helping, at least insofar as while we still fight, our fights are not so nasty as they were and a bit more respectful.

There are a lot of bumps though. Sometime in February I got Samantha to admit what she had long denied, and I had long suspected, that she had slept with her ex-fiance in November when she was in Vegas. I forgave her for that (it was a pretty confusing time for us) but it still really jolted me -- not so much the act as the fact that she lied about it, to my face. Trust is a major issue between us right now.

The other major issue is that I feel very ignored. She spends a lot of time with her friends here, C, C's husband R, and Samantha's goddaughter M. C and R and (especially) M are very nice, but we don't have a lot in common. They are Samantha's age, not well educated, not into art/books/music as I am. They aren't dumb (not in the slightest), but their interests are more in the D&D/roleplaying/gaming area. That stuff just isn't me. Since we've been here Samantha has spent a lot of time with them and I've been left alone in a city where I don't know anyone except some cousins and an aunt who live about 25 miles away.

Long Time No Post!

2006-01-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long interval between posts! There's been a lot of stuff happening.

First, I had an interview for a job up in Portland. It went really well, they made me an offer but it was low -- so I countered, and they accepted my counter. The upshot is I accepted the position and I'm starting my new job in late January. It's a really great opportunity -- a nice bump in pay, better opportunities, fun people to work with, good benefits. It's a definite step up.

Samantha and I have worked out most of our differences. The strain of packing and getting ready to move has been pretty intense, but I am confident we will be okay. It won't be fun in the short run though. Still, I'm really excited about getting a chance to start over in a new place.

If It Seems Too Good To Be True...

2005-11-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I should have learned from experience. We had a darn nice Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday up until bedtime, and then...

When Samantha was in Portland she emailed me to say (in part) that on reflection, she didn't need to sleep with other people to get what she wants. Once again I took that to mean that she had reconciled herself to being monogamous. So naturally I was surprised late last night (why is it always late at night when I have to be up at work in the morning??) she brought the whole thing up again, and lo and behold, we were (seemingly) back where we were a month ago, more or less. We had a very nasty fight and she slept on the couch.

On top of that, I caught her in a lie. When she first told me she was extending her time in Vegas she said she just "had some things to do". Well, it was really that her ex-fiance had asked her to stay a couple more days, so she did.

I'm really upset and wondering why the hell I am bothering with all of this. Gang, this is your cue to say "I told you so!"

Thanksgiving

2005-11-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

My trip to Vegas to meet Samantha's parents went really well. I got there around 11:30 a.m. Thanksgiving day and met her parents; slightly awkward at first as it usually is in such circumstances. Around 2 we went over to her uncle's house for dinner, which was yummy in the extreme. That night we went to see "Rent", which was really good. I stayed at her parent's house in their spare room with Samantha -- two single beds. We managed to spend some time snuggling (just snuggling!), which was really nice after 4 weeks apart.

Friday we hung out, played some pool (Samantha and her sister both whupped me), ran some errands. Saturday we came back with a stop off to have dinner with my folks. Just before we got there we managed to have a nasty argument (after an otherwise beautiful trip), and another on the way home when she brought up the same point as before -- a jealousy thing on my part. It was stupid. We got home late Saturday night and talked through some of our stuff and it's better, I think.

Since then we've been getting along quite a bit better, and things have a different feel to them in our relationship. I hope this means we've finally worked through most of our immediate issues; it feels like it. We'll see.

All in all the trip went well and I think her parents at least think I'm okay. They are nice folks and I think we'll get along fine.

Here We Go!

2005-11-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm off in just a few. Going to stop over tonight with my folks, then up to Vegas tomorrow for Thanksgiving with Samantha's family. This should be interesting... wish me luck!

Absence Makes the Heart...

2005-11-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

Samantha has been gone since 10/27. She was originally supposed to come back 11/14, but when she got back to Vegas 11/13 she called me to say she was going to stay 'til 11/16. 11/15 she called me to say she was horribly sick and she'd decided to just stay until Thanksgiving when I was going to be coming out anyway, rather than spend a whole day coming back sick on the bus. After being very sick for several days, she's doing much better now.

I've found that when we are apart for more than 2 weeks or so I start to get very anxious. Last night I had a dream that she had gone to one of the Vegas wedding chapels and married her ex-fiancé. Crazy, I know, but very upsetting.

The thing that bothers me most is that while we communicate very well when we are together, when we are apart our communication is lacking. I'm the kind of person that wants to hear from his gf every day, at least a voicemail or email or something. She's not that way. She complained to me that I call her too much. I just wanted to hear her voice, y'know? *sigh*

The current plan is for me to go out to Vegas on Thanksgiving and spend it there and meet her parents. Eeep! I'm sure it will be fine.

"We Have Met The Enemy...

2005-11-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

and he is us." That's a Pogo reference, but probably most of you whippersnappers are too young to get it. Oh well!

I was reading this post by Singular Man (Dateless and Homicidal) when it really, really hit me --- my God, I'm one of those! He said in part, "...the tendancy of so many to fall for the utterly, obviously wrong (in every possible sense) kind of person". Okay, I don't think that is ACTUALLY me, but I realize that it probably looks like it to everyone else.

I had an IM chat with LJ today (she is alive and well, even if she's not blogging much) and talked about the situation with Samantha and I. I've also talked with several friends about it, and of course I read the comments on Singular Man's blog. There's a lot to think about. I'm torn between missing out on the love of life due to lack of nerve, and the desire to avoid a situation which could potentially rip my heart and soul to shreds. It's tough. I know it looks insane to most folks, and I appreciate the feedback (yes, even the "run away, far, far away!" comments) that I've gotten. It doesn't help that Samantha is gone so much. To some extent I'm leaving things in the hands of fate, which is maybe a chicken thing to do and maybe not. We'll see.

Singular Man Weighs In

2005-11-02T09:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Singular Man for his commentary on my last post. Check it out and leave a comment (here or there).

How Much Is Too Much? (a disturbing post)

2005-10-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

Samantha has gone home for a week, then off to Portland for a week to reconnoiter; she's bringing her little sister that she hopes will move up there also. We parted under somewhat tenuous circumstances where we are trying to decide what we can or can't deal with in our future life together. It's been very stressful since at the same time I'm looking for jobs in Portland and potentially leaving my whole life behind to be with her.

And so I came across this post on Singular Man -- Negotiating Love. He's got some good points. I've had a really hard time trying to isolate what is sheer preference and what is bedrock who I am. The basic problem: I have certain expectations about a relationship that she may or may not be able to accept, i.e. that she be exclusive to me in all respects. She had said that at the time that she would never deliberately do anything to hurt me, which I took to mean that she would not sleep with other people. It now appears that I read into it what I wanted it to be, but what she meant was more along the lines of her not sleeping with other people until such time as I am okay with it. I don't see that happening, ever, but the point she raised was that "this is the way I am" and that it wouldn't mean she wouldn't always come home to me, love me, etc. She claims that this is fidelity, that the parameters of our relationship could be negotiated in such a way that I'd be okay.

While I'd like to think I'm fairly open-minded, I am rather traditional in many respects and I also happen to know that when it comes to sex I am rather insecure about myself as a lover. That, combined with the age difference, gives me an image of the future that is very disturbing for me -- 60 year old DCG being left home with the kids while 40 year old Samantha goes off to get her jollies. Or 50 year old DCG being divorced by 30 year old Samantha, losing his children and half his income while Samantha goes off with some guy she met.

Samantha's point is that she wants to sleep with other people as she wishes, from time to time -- perhaps 4 or so a year. She's already much more "experienced" than I am, probably another big reason I'm so insecure. She claims that what really counts is who she loves, who she wants to spend her life with, who she comes home to. She says that person is me. She says that I need to separate love and sex; I don't think so. Clearly she does.

I've tried to point out that if this sex is so important to her then that's not something I can readily accept (it it were truly unimportant, she would be able to let it go). She didn't have a good answer, at least that I remember.

I am truly in love with her. I'm not sure she's really ever experienced that before; and while I've certainly been in love before, I've found myself willing to make sacrifices for her I'd never even contemplated before. I believe that she does truly love me, but that this is very new for her.

So, how much is too much? I deeply want to just stay here with her and have some time to find out; I've already set the ball moving to find a new job and move to Portland. I feel rushed and out of sorts and confused. She's convinced that once we are together in Portland that everything will be fine. Moving to Portland with her still feels like the right thing to do, like some sort of destiny; but I can't help but feel that perhaps I am pushing (and being pushed) too hard, too fast. Are we masking or minimizing our problems by this move? What if I get to Portland and discover that we are truly unsuited for each other, that we've been fooling ourselves?

Our Song in Troubled Times

2005-10-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

My job search in Portland is going well; I had a phone interview yesterday that went well, and they want to do another phone screen tomorrow or Friday. After that if it all goes well, they'll fly me up for an onsite. I'm excited.

Samantha and I had a really bad fight last night though. Some of the issues that I thought we had resolved... may not really be resolved. It's troubling in the extreme. So I'm here at work and playing iTunes since everyone else has gone home and of course I played the song that is, for me, Samantha and I's "song":

"Seven Days Without You"

Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me

[Chorus:]
This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you
Seven days without you

Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say

[Chorus]

For when you and I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is..

[Chorus]

(in case it's not clear, part of the appeal of this song is that for the few months we've been together, S has gone home to Vegas about once a month for a week or so each time. Thus... I'm always missing her)

Moving Forward

2005-10-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm glad to report that Samantha came home safely on Wednesday morning. We had The Talk that evening, and it was filled with trepidation for both of us -- both afraid we would not be able to reconcile our needs in such a way that we could move forward together.

We talked about our needs. In her case, she strongly feels that she needs to be in Portland to support her friend and be with her goddaughter, who is like her own child to her. In my case, the need for her to choose me and forsake dating other people. After some discussion about what our interactions would be like and our expectations of each other, we were able to agree.

I'm very relieved, and extremely happy. I didn't want to lose her, I didn't want to accept a situation that would make me miserable. The future looks bright in the extreme! We will be moving to Portland in the near future (I'm looking for a job already), and probably get engaged in a few months. I'm ecstatic. As Samantha said, "it seems to good to be true." But it is true.

Antici...pation

2005-10-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Samantha is coming home in 20 hours! I can't wait... I'm very nervous. She's been gone for 3 weeks and we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Resolution/Clarification

2005-09-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

Samantha and I have talked a few times since that last post. I think we've come to some understanding. I don't really want to post about it and probably shouldn't have to begin with, but hey, I was upset. Suffice it to say, we are not breaking up just yet, and we'll talk more when she gets home (which is still 1.5 weeks away). *sigh*

Singular Man Returns

2005-09-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

A hearty welcome back to the Blogosphere to Singular Man! Nice to see you back, D00D!

Is This The End?

2005-09-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

I attempted to post a haiku via audioblogger yesterday. It seemed to work, but it has not shown up yet so I don't know what the deal is or whether I should try again. Considering my current mood, probably not. Anyway, a warning -- whiny note follows!

Samantha's best friend lives in Portland, and she is visiting her now. In the past she has said she'd like to move to Portland, and I said I would look at jobs there. My expectation when I said this was that perhaps in a year or so if we are married (or at least engaged) we might move there. In the meantime I've been considering a job change here. I sent her an email Monday with info about the benefits for a job here that I just applied for, and got the following response:

I think you seriously need to start looking for jobs in Portland. You promised me you would look and you aren't looking. So look.

Okay, I suppose that is fair enough. It's a misunderstanding between us, but not one that needs to be rectified right now. I replied:

It was my understanding that we weren't thinking about this until January. It's too soon. However, I will look so as to get a feel for what's up.

And this morning I woke to find this response:

It's not too soon. Because I am moving to Portland.

No "we".

Another Break

2005-09-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

Samantha left Wednesday for a 3-week trip to visit friends and family... I miss her already.

Things have continued to develop in our relationship. We're still taking dance lessons (fun!) and she started school last week. We get along pretty well; we fight from time to time, but generally speaking I think we fight fair, and at least we aren't generally too passive-aggressive.

We do have some conflicts that are going to take major time and compromise to work through, and they are the ones that concern me most. They are big life issues like, what kind of future do we envision together? If we were to marry eventually, what would that be like and what would our expectations be?

In some ways we are definitely getting ahead of ourselves -- but we love each other and want very much to have a future together, so it's important to talk these things through.

Still Alive!

2005-08-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Life has been... busy. Samantha and I are still together. It's hard to believe we have known each other such a short time; it seems like we've been together for a long time. She has started to make some friends of her own here, which makes me glad. We are still taking dancing lessons -- last week we learned the cha-cha crossovers, tango promenade and waltz walk-around turn.

Samantha's fall semester starts after Labor Day; her classes are online. From what I can tell she will have a pretty full schedule. As for me, with the end of summer things always get busier so I anticipate a bit less time at home and more time doing various activities.

It's 3 months ago tomorrow that we first spoke on the phone. Wow, what an amazing (and quick) ride it's been! It's wonderful though.

Iris

2005-08-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it counts as a "dating blog", but check out Nothing's Going To Change My World. Iris, if you read this -- turning off your comments insulates you from criticism but also from support. Hang in there.

Still Dancing, Etc.

2005-08-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

Samantha went home to Vegas today for a visit; she'll be gone for about a week. A good chance, again, to reflect on where we are and how far we've come.

We had 3 dance lessons this week, learning the basic steps for:

single-time swing
east coast swing
west coast swing
rumba
salsa
cha-cha
2-step
progressive 2-step?
nightclub 2-step?

I'm not sure about the last 3, they are country/western dances we weren't interested in. For our last lesson, they had us pick 4 dances of the ones we'd been shown to work on. We picked waltz, tango, east coast swing and cha-cha. We worked on learning additional patterns:

waltz -- hesitation step
tango -- left hand turn?
east coast swing -- ladies' under arm turn - right

We had a lot of fun! When we got home we practiced for another half hour or more. It was great. We decided to sign up for ongoing instruction in the "el cheapo" category, which will still be a lot for us to handle time-wise anyway.

Other than dancing, we've fallen into a pretty comfortable existence. I've been a bit down due to a death in the family, some issues at work, and some money concerns. It's been a bit trying for Samantha to deal with and I know it's been frustrating for both of us. Still, we spend a lot of time together, and we talk about things a lot -- often 'til late at night. We talk about faith, and our beliefs, and our hopes and dreams for the future; our families and our concerns and issues and goals. This past week we've been housesitting for my sister out in the boonies so it's been kind of like a mini-vacation. We are still getting to know each other but already we are pretty good at knowing what the other wants/needs/expects. It's positive.

I'm taking suggestions for what to do with this blog -- it probably needs to be renamed or re-purposed or something. Ideas?

Dancing With Samantha

2005-07-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight Samantha and I had a ballroom dancing lesson. We had a great time! Samantha signed us up for the introductory package, which is a gonga deal -- 4 half hour private lessons for $15. We learned some beginning steps, and the basic waltz, foxtrot, and tango. I got some good pointers on how (and how not) to lead, and the instructor showed us the correct hold.

I've been going through some rough times in the last week, so tonight's events were a welcome change. We have more lessons next week, and then we'll have to decide to continue or not. I think it will be a lot of fun, and it's nice to have a shared activity.

Seeing The Other Side

2005-07-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

Samantha has posted (finally!) her writeup of our first date. She had let me read it before she posted it, and wondered if it was too mean or harsh. I told her it was what she thought and felt and so she should go with it.

I've noticed that since she came back from her trip to Vegas Sunday night, we've been a bit more relaxed together. I'm starting to accept that she really is here and wants to be here. I've been going through some very trying times in the last couple of days, with a family tragedy and some problems at work, and she has been so supportive and kind, it's been wonderful.

Time To Reflect

2005-07-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

Samantha went home to Vegas tonight. She's planning on being there about a week or so. So after 2 weeks together we have a week to reflect and consider our relationship.

We've spent a lot of time together, talked a lot and shared a lot of activities. We've seen movies, watched TV, traveled, eaten many meals, watched the sun set. Best of all from my perspective, we've spent a lot of time singing and making music together.

Overall we get along pretty well, I think. We've had a few fights, mostly pretty minor and, considering the circumstances, not surprising. Since I've never lived with anyone before (other than roommates, and that was a long time ago), it's been an adjustment for me to be in close quarters with anyone, much less a beautiful woman that I'm crazy about. We communicate well and we fight fair when we do fight.

I'm very optimistic about our future and I can't wait for her to get back. Still, I suppose some time apart is probably a positive thing. The house is lonely without her, though...

Fun In San Diego

2005-07-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

Samantha and I just got back from a wonderful weekend in San Diego. It was really nice to get out of the heat and enjoy San Diego's cool breezes and wonderful atmosphere.

Friday night after checking into our hotel we went to a friend's house to attend an anniversary celebration for some of my friends. We had a pretty nice time. This was the second time in a week that Samantha had had to meet my friends or family, and once again she was a trouper.

Saturday we had an amazing day. First we spent a few hours at the San Diego Zoo, which is always a wonderful experience. After that we met up with Dating Dummy at Tourmaline Beach, where we swam and body-surfed and watched DD chatting up a really cute surfer girl. Later DD lent Samantha his surfboard and she had a go at learning to surf. She did amazingly well for a first time! I was very impressed both with her bravery and her skill.

After swimming and surfing, we went for sushi at Ichiban in Pacific Beach. I had the teriyaki chicken and DD and Samantha split some sushi, which she said was really good. After dinner we split up for a while, then met up at 9ish at Lestat's Coffeehouse for some wonderful music from Manuok (as in "Man, you okay?") and local DJ and "folksinger" Anya Marina. All in all it was a truly awesome capstone to a wonderful day. Many thanks to DD for his wonderful hospitality -- he's an awesome guy.

Sunday we got up and drove home, a long long day. We were a bit tired since we've developed this (bad?!) habit of staying up until 2 a.m. or later talking about all kinds of stuff.

Meeting the 'Rents

2005-07-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

Samantha and I went to visit my Dad and stepmom, brother, niece and nephew for lunch on this July 4th. Samantha was very nervous about meeting my family, but it seemed to go pretty well and they seemed to get along and like her just fine. Afterward we went to see "War of the Worlds" which was pretty neat all in all (great special effects!). We got home just in time to see the fireworks display, which was really nice. It was a really nice day overall.

Adjustment Period

2005-07-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

So Samantha has been here almost a week, and it's been quite an adjustment period for both of us. We have had some small spats, but nothing I'd categorize as serious. She is seriously homesick though, and that's a problem. It's not easy to up and move to a place where you know almost no one.

Friday night we went out to a comedy show, which was a lot of fun, and then met up with HMG at a bar. That did not go so well. HMG was very very tired and in a pissy mood, and the first impression she made on Samantha was not good. I haven't really heard anything the other way from HMG, who is dealing more with some of her own pressing issues right now.

Saturday night we went dancing with a couple of friends of mine. It was fun, although I think the music was not really Samantha's first choice (80s and 90s music). Still, she liked my friends and they liked her so that was good -- she's not feeling quite so lonesome, hopefully.

Wildchild has been quite critical of this relationship, and while I can understand how it looks to her, I know what I am doing and we have talked about these things. For example, we agreed that Samantha would continue her "30 First Dates" project, so she has gone out on a couple of dates, and will continue to do so. Am I a sap? Maybe. I'm finding, though, that with Samantha I have had to explicitly accept her as she is. While I have always tried to do that in past relationships, I didn't do such a great job. Here it's "up front" effort that is producing a refreshing freedom and openness in our relationship. It's good.

I don't know where this relationship is going, and I'm under no illusions that it will (or won't) be lasting more than a few months. Realistically, though, that's true of any relationship. In this one I have my eyes open more than usual, and I think that's good.

Samantha In Tucson

2005-06-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've not posted in a while, I've been frightfully busy! Samantha arrived in Tucson late last night. We stayed up until 4 a.m. talking, so now I'm just a bit draggin' at work. Ah well! She's feeling a bit put-upon by some of the comments here and I am too. We have a wonderful opportunity to spend time together and get to know each other and I'm really happy she's here. Who knows what the future holds? Carpe diem, and all that!

2005-06-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

Weekend With Samantha

2005-06-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sure there has to be at least ONE person out there dying to know how my weekend with Samantha (AKA 30 First Dates Girl) went.

In a word, it was amazing. I got to my hotel around 3:30ish and called her; she was downstairs so I went down and met her. Our meeting had the usual slight awkwardness that internet meetings usually have. We went off to have a quick drink at the casino bar and talk for a bit; then we wound up going shopping since I had neglected to bring enough shirts with me. We had a fun time shopping and talking, looking at various knickknacks, etc. We held hands and were quite cosy in general. Later we went to dinner at her favorite restaurant and had a smashingly good dinner. After dinner we went back to my hotel room . . . and talked. A lot. Oh, and we watched a very bad scary movie. And talked. A lot.

The next day we had brunch at Denny's, then she had to go home for a while to do some things. We met up at 5ish and wound up talking for 3 hours before getting around to having dinner (Mexican). Then we went on a brief tour where she showed me one of her favorite places in Vegas, and I picked a flower for her. She had to be up frightfully early so we said good-bye around 10:30 or 11. She came by my room early the next morning (like, 5:45 a.m.!) and we talked and snuggled and snuggled and talked until she had to go to a doctor's appointment, and then I had to go as well.

The summary -- wow. I'm really blown away by this girl, and my DCG-ness is at zero around her. She's smart, she's musical, she's talented, she has the most amazing green eyes, she's fun, she's pretty... and I trust her. I'm really not sure how we got to this point, but the scary part is that I'm not at all scared.

She's decided she wants to move to my home town, but, as she said, "not for *you*, for *me*." I'm not sure what that will mean for the future of this blog, but check back and I'll try to let you know.

Addendum: Just to be clear, when I say "talk", above, I actually mean talking. It's not a euphemism. We have the most amazing ability to talk, both about really serious things and not-so-serious things. It makes my heart glad :-). Oh, and "snuggling" just means snuggling, okay?

Off I Go!

2005-06-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting, it has been an amazingly busy week at work. Not much to say anyway, except for the happy-Happy-HAPPY news that I am going to Las Vegas on Saturday to meet Samantha. Whee! After Vegas I'm going to California for a few days, so I'll be back the 16th to blog about it.

Sex & TV

2005-06-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist blogging this great quote:

"All they do is have sex and watch TV... and they don't even have cable!" (--Samantha)

She was referring to her sister and her sister's boyfriend.

Still Not Exercising The DCG Genes

2005-06-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

Dating Dummy, factotum extraordinaire :-), rightly pointed out that I'm screwing up left and right in this DCG thing. Still, I'll be honest and fight the temptation to omit/disguise my screwups.

Saturday I went to see Cinderella Man with MedGirl. It's a great movie; I liked it a lot and MedGirl did too. Hard to say what she thinks of me at this point; not really any sparks so I probably won't do anything with her again unless I'm really bored.

The random bookeeper chick who I was IMing with sent me her picture... eep. She may only be 30 but it looks like a hard 30. That combined with the fact that apparently she's had children by 2 different men, her relationship with her ex is a bit whack, and she has only a high-school education and doesn't seem well-read, are pretty off-putting.

I got an IM from match.com chick #3 but haven't had a chance to talk with her.

And I got a totally random email from Annoying Crafts Girl in response to something I posted on another blog.

The exciting news is that I am going out of town in a week on a long-planned road trip to California, and I'm going to detour to Sin City for a couple of days and meet up with the lovely Samantha. I'm excited and nervous -- we've talked on the phone quite a bit and have as good a connection there as one could possibly hope for. If it translates to real life at all well, this could be really good. I'll see her next Saturday!

Feast Or Famine

2005-06-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the long delay between posts... in some ways there's been a lot going on.

First, MedGirl showed back up and IMed me to say she was sorry about her previous bug-out. On Sunday evening she asked me if I wanted to walk to a nearby Penguins to get ice cream, and I said sure because hey, I wasn't doing anything anyway and I wanted to see what she looked like. We had a nice conversation and she didn't give any indication of psycho-ness.

Second, a girl on match.com winked at me. In true DCG mode I sent her a note thanking her for the wink and asking for a picture, which she sent. Eh. I wasn't impressed, but I did email her to see if there were other redeeming qualities. Not sure on that score.

Third, later this last week MedGirl asked me if I wanted to go see Cinderella Man with her this weekend. Hmm! She asked me out. Interesting. I told her yes, and so we are probably going to go to a matinee either tomorrow or Sunday.

Fourth, a random woman IMed me on.. Wednesday night? Maybe Tuesday. She's 30, divorced with 3 kids. No picture. She's a bookkeeper at a local firm. Seems nice enough from what I know so far.

But....

Ironically enough, I'm totally not interested in any of this stuff (which of course means that they will all be crazy about me), because in the interim I've been talking on the phone with Samantha and I'm very intrigued and fascinated. She's amazingly smart and funny and sweet... can you tell I'm enthused? And, amazingly enough, she seems to feel the same way about me so far. Of course we haven't met in person yet... :-) Who knows?

Party Time

2005-05-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

I attended a Memorial Day party tonight; a friend who has a beautiful house overlooking the city. He invited a large number of people, some of whom I know, all of them members of different informal singles groups in town. It was supposed to be a toga party, but since it was raining and unseasonably cool I decided to forgo the toga. Bad move, since most of the people at the party were indeed wearing togas.

Two interesting points. First, I spent some time talking to this one girl I've talked to a few times before. She's a couple of years older than me, cute, smart. I never asked her out because she's looking for a nice Jewish boy and of course I'm not him. Anyway, I ask her how she's doing and she tells me a good friend of hers just passed away and she's feeling horrible. So we spend 20 or 30 minutes talking about it (mostly her talking, me listening). After this conversation she leaves to go dance, and I wonder -- what was that about? I'm glad to be a good shoulder/ear -- I've always considered it important to be able to really listen to people. But my DCG side says this doesn't get me anywhere, and may even have negative repercussions. Sheesh.

The second, more positive point is that a girl I'd not seen in a while showed up a bit late. L is a couple years older than I am, very smart and successful, cute, nice body, all around cool person. About a year and a half ago we had gone for a snack after a group event and she admitted she'd had a crush on me. Of course, she was admitting this since she had just started seriously dating a guy. Figures! And I had been totally clueless and hadn't realized she had a crush on me. Anyway, she shows up at the party. Me, being the bold person I am now, asks her if she's still dating so-and-so. She says no, but she's now dating a guy who is (no joke!) a multimillionaire in town. He's off in the Caribbean so she decided to come hang out. Sheesh. Anyway, we spend almost the whole time she's at the party yakking and having a good time, and when it's time to leave she gives me a big hug and tells me I should call/email her some time. Once again I say what the hell? Whatever. I might call her and do something with her just 'cause I'm bored but how can I compete with multimillionaire?

Audioblogger

2005-05-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

So as you can see I signed up with Audioblogger. It's pretty simple to use and I'm more-or-less pleased with my test run below, although of course I think my voice sounds different than it does there. I'm blaming it on my cell phone!

It did occur to me that audioblogger is the perfect opportunity for drunk-dialing -- now drunk-dialing can be inflicted on the whole world! Rest assured that won't be happening on THIS blog though!

2005-05-28T01:46:00.000-07:00

... Or Not

2005-05-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Oookay! Just got this IM from MedGirl...

(17:37:11) {MedGirl}: hey....I just wanted to let you know that I'm not doing any of this anymore. I'm sorry I never really got to know you but I'm not happy and I don't want to do this. I hope you find what you're looking for!!!

Right! There it is.

MedGirl Steps Up

2005-05-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

I backed off with MedGirl for a couple of days; then today I was IMing briefly with MedGirl while I was at work, and asked her about weekend plans. She said she had none. She asked me about mine, and I told her I had some plans for Friday and Saturday nights but that was about it. So I asked her if she'd like to get together Sunday afternoon or Monday, and she said "sure." Wow, that was simple!

Nurse Single Mom

2005-05-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

I was at [sports activity place] again this evening and once more bumped into Nurse Single Mom and her daughter. I talked with her a little bit when I first got there, and she seemed friendly enough, but afterward when everyone was leaving she was preoccupied talking with others and didn't seem interested in talking with me. Hmmph!

Wanting and Needing

2005-05-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

August Lioness writes beautifully on her blog about wanting vs. needing, and sharing, and poignantly asks:

How am I ever going to make a man feel like he's needed if I am not looking for someone because I need him, but because I want to share my life with someone?

Our heart's deepest longing is to be known, understood, and accepted as we are. This is unconditional love and it's pretty rare. Your desire to have someone there to listen, someone to share your stories with is pretty natural and there's nothing wrong with it.

Personally, I would like a woman who *wants* me but doesn't *need* me -- or so I say. Let's face it, if an SO doesn't need you it's hard for most people to feel confident enough in themselves to think that he/she won't leave.

If you are an honest person, you can't make a man feel you need him if you actually don't. So the question really becomes, how can you be an independent, complete person and still need a man? I think the answer is that you can be complete in your self and independent, yet that is not sufficient. John Donne said, "no man is an island." Part of what it is to be a man (a human being) is to be in relation, in community -- and that being in relation starts with husband and wife (a family) and extends from there to all of society. We aren't meant to be individuals all holding each other at arm's length, proudly proclaiming our independence.

Another way of looking at this is to say that a person on a desert island can educate himself to the best of his ability, learning from books and studying. Still, while he is complete of himself he doesn't really know what it's like to be fulfilled so long as he is closed in on himself. There are things he's lacking that he can't do by himself, experiences he can never have without being in relation with others.

The search for autonomy can be a good one, and it's important, I think, to be self-sufficient and able to take care of ourselves and to find happiness within ourselves, not expecting or needing it to be infused in us by others. That doesn't mean that being in a love relationship is not something we need to help us grow, and to fulfill our potential.

Update on J

2005-05-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from J (Match.com girl):

Hi {DCG},

Sorry for not replying sooner. Please don't take it personally. I guess {sister's best friend} probably told you a little - but I am having some very difficult times right now and haven't been up to talking with anyone. My daughter is my number one priority and we have some issues to deal with right now. It isn't something I want to bring anyone into - that's why I really don't want to talk to anyone right now. Boy, what timing! Now I understand what people mean in their profiles about baggage - but I never thought it would be me.

I'll talk to ya later.
J

I sent her a note back thanking her for letting me know what's up and offering a sympathetic ear/shoulder.

*sigh*

Confusion

2005-05-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

So I came home and got online and Medgirl signed on to IM, so I blew my DCG routine by IMing her. We had a nice conversation for about 30 minutes, so it would seem I didn't blow it with her after all, I guess.

Match.com Girls

2005-05-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

Two interesting updates. First, Match.com girl #1 (we'll call her MedGirl) finally was online at the same time as me, so we wound up IMing for about 2 hours last night. An interesting conversation for the most part. It's a little eerie, though -- as it turns out we live thisclose to each other. We talked about a bunch of things -- food, movies, family, etc. She also sent me a picture -- cute enough. At one point though, she asked me how many women I've met off the Internet and I think I said 5 (sad, I know). She said she's met about 15 guys. From there she said something like she's given up on meeting guys on the net. I asked if that included me and she went on to discuss what kind of relationship we might or might not have. She said she's not interested in an LTR and I said that was fine, I expected that since she's starting med school. From there it went into something about howshe dated a guy and he went all long-term on her right at the beginning, discussing marriage and children etc. and how that was disturbing. I agreed. Since she had previously mentioned that she'd lived with a guy for 3 years 5 years ago (she's only 26) I assumed that she probably still had some issues there. Anyway, I made what I thought was a cool observation about the irony of her telling me all this, which was a mistake since she said "sorry" and I said "just givin' ya shit" and shortly thereafter she said she was tired (it was only 10:30 p.m.) and had to go. So, I think I kind of blew that one. Dumb!

The other story is rather amusing. I was at a family gathering on Saturday so got a chance to pester my sister and brother about Match.com girl #2, "J". Not much that was "new" per se, except that suddenly my brother chimes in with "Well, there's the boob job she got last year!" And my sister's friend (who's friends with J) yells "you shouldn't have said that!". I just laughed. Apparently J got her boobs done about a year ago, she felt that they were too small for her proportionately. Having seen just a couple of pictures it appears she didn't overdo it or anything, they appeared pretty natural and normal-sized. I just found it interesting since it's not something I ever think about in 40-year-old women for some reason.

I have to say that it seems like since I started writing this blog I've had more stuff going on than I thought or hoped for. I don't know if it's just that I am realizing I'm not such a loser, or that I'm being more bold to pursue women. Either way I'm happy about it.

Reading Signals

2005-05-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

One of the things I decided recently is that I really do need to get out more. Tonight I went to a party for some friends who got engaged recently, at a small bar/restaurant place. I spend an hour or so yakking with a girl sitting next to me who's off to South America to do Good Deeds, then switch places and go to the end of the table and start chatting up Engineer Girl. She's probably early 30s, tall, long blonde hair, nice body, a little plain. I'd met her a couple of times before at events with these same friends. She's very opinionated and a little obnoxious. For some reason though we had a pretty nice conversation and I noticed she touched me several times, on the shoulder, the elbow, and the forearm (she also gave me a hug when I came in). So I'm thinking this is going pretty well. At one point toward the end of the evening I take her right hand and ask her about a ring she's wearing.

At some point in the conversation (which is mostly her bitching about her boss being an asshole) the conversation wanders to diseases (SARS, West Nile, whooping cough, etc.) and she says something about getting tested for AIDS regularly "between partners" and then I say something pretty dumb like laughing 'cause I've not really had a need for such tests in years. (sad, but true, but not the best time to say it!)

So at the end of the evening I volunteer to walk her to her car as it's late and not such a good neighborhood. I figure I should get a hug out of this, but nope, she just says goodnight, gets in her car and drives off. Huh? Was she upset I didn't ask her for her phone number? I figured I'd see how it goes next time I see her and get it then, or just get it from her friend. Hmm.

Match.com update: Had a couple of emails back and forth with "J" a.k.a match.com #2, turns out she took her profile down because her ex has gone psycho/postal on her (she's been divorced 5 years). Hadn't heard from #1, so sent her a short "how's it going" email, got a quick response from her asking for my IM, so emailed it to her. This was before the party. Got home, and signed on to IM and she's requested to be my buddy, but she's idle. Grr.

Now THERE'S A Novel Approach

2005-05-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

Check out Samantha's report on a recent first date. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow. I'm all for being a bit aggressive, but that's a bit much, eh?

Match.com Girl #2

2005-05-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

I had a nice long email from match.com girl #2, "J". She sounds pretty nice. I emailed her back with some info about my self and asked her a few questions too. I noticed that she has hidden her profile on match.com now, and I wonder what that means. Is it a good sign? A coincidence? What? It could mean she thinks I'm a serious candidate and she doesn't want to be distracted. Or it could mean she's got 5 guys she's working on and that's plenty for now :-).

Help me out, readers! What does it mean?

Still nothing from match.com girl #1.

Another Date With SG

2005-05-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie with SG tonight (Lemony Snicket. Strange movie, but fun). Once again we were quite snuggly, but it was more me snuggled to her than vice-versa. Finally at one point she said I made her nervous; I said I was sorry to do so. She said she wasn't sure she could return my feelings. All sends very rejection-like, doesn't it? But the body language was quite different, for right after she said that she snuggled up next to me. Very strange!

After the movie we were talking and she said something I don't remember, and I said "Should I leave you alone?" in a mock-horror kind of tone, and she smiled and said of course not, she enjoys my company.

All in all it sounds like she likes me, she's just very shy or unsure. I can deal with that. Between our two schedules we don't have a lot of time anyway.

Match.com update -- I've not heard anything from either of the two women. Hmm.

Match.com

2005-05-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

So, I was trolling match.com on the weekend, because I was bored. Decided to look through some profiles without pictures (normally I don't), and found one that sounded interesting -- med student, 26 but willing to look at oldsters like me :-). Describes herself as "a few extra pounds" which can be okay or not, depending on how few we're talking about and where they are :-). Still, definitely smart which is always a good thing. So I sent her an email and got one back Sunday morning. She lives really close to me, apparently. Sounds nice enough. Hell, it's just exciting to actually get a response. Emailed her back but nothing yet.

The second case was more amusing -- emailed a woman (my age) on Thursday I think. Got a note from her this morning -- turns out she works with my sister and knows one of my brothers. I had to smile at that. She wrote me back, so sis must not have said anything too bad. We'll see. She looks promising -- cute, 41, divorced, has a daughter, loves music. We'll see.

Single Moms

2005-05-14T01:10:00.000-07:00

I see it's been almost a week since my last post, and I apologize! Not much this week to blog about, but I'll work on the first item.

Tuesday evening I was at [sports activity place], not a usual time/day for me to be there (I'm there a lot). I bumped into Nurse Single Mom and her daughter. I'd not seen them in about a month or 6 weeks, perhaps. NSM is very cute, early 30s I'd guess, and as the name says, a nurse and single mom (at least, I'm pretty sure -- no ring and I believe she mentioned something about an ex). Her daughter is just adorable -- around 11, I think, and cute as a button and smart too. I'm at an age when I am sometimes wishing I'd had an opportunity to have kids -- I really like them. My experience with my brother's kids suggests I am better with girls than with boys, which makes sense -- my parents were divorced when I was young and I was mostly raised by my sister, while my Mom was going to school (bachelor's and master's degrees). I really enjoy my nieces, while my nephew is a little harder for me to connect with.

Anyway, interestingly enough NSM was very friendly and asked me how I was and commented how she'd not seen me in a long while. (The last time I'd seen her I'd fallen while [sports activity] and had asked her to look at my wrist (since she IS a nurse); I'd sprained it. She had helped me carry my stuff out to my car and was generally very nice. ) Anyway, we wound up talking and joking a bit while walking out to the parking lot.

Not sure how to proceed on this one. Fortunately it's pretty easy to DCG this one since when I'm at [sports activity place] I'm usually pretty focused on [sports activity] and not in a mood to be on the sidelines chatting. Still, I'd like to spend more time talking to her and showing a bit of interest.

Mis(?)-reading Signs

2005-05-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

So, I took SG to see "Crash" tonight. Great movie, I highly recommend it. Picked her up and went to the movie, then afterwards we grabbed some coffee and hung out for a half hour or so, then took her home and hung out for 5 more minutes, after which she claimed to be tired and kicked me out.

I'm thinking I seriously misjudged her level of interest. Oh well!

Sickly Girl

2005-05-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

So I had a date tonight, with a girl I'll call Sickly Girl (SG). I've known SG for probably 7 or 8 years. For a long time I thought she was a hypochondriac but I've decided she probably isn't. She's had a variety of health problems. She's 29, tall, cute but a little ungraceful.

SG dated a somewhat older guy for a long time (probably 6+ years) throughout her college years and after, then he somewhat unceremoniously dumped her. We've often done various friend-type activities -- the occasional movie, baseball or football game. Strictly platonic, though, at least on her side, and while I thought she was kind of cute, her sickly tendencies were very offputting. The last straw for me was in the fall, when we were supposed to go to a football game together and she called me that morning and said she was sick and couldn't go. I decided I just couldn't count on her for anything that was time-sensitive like that. Cold hearted? No, just practical. When you already have tickets for an activity and someone stands you up like that, then, even when it's not something they can help, you tend to think twice about planning such things in the future. Still, I did the typical nice guy things, sending her a Christmas card, etc.

About 6 weeks ago was her birthday, and I sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday. She called me (or emailed me, I don't remember) to say thanks and ask if I wanted to get together that evening. That was unprecedented.

Anyway, since that time we've gone out a total of 4 times including tonight. The first was her birthday, and was just a quick bite at a restaurant. A couple of weeks after that I took her to the opera; then a couple of weeks later to a movie (The Ring Two, Samantha, and you're right, it was lacking). Tonight I took her to improv comedy, but after the show she said she was tired and I just took her home. While we were driving she mentioned that she wanted to see "Crash" and we are going to see it tomorrow.

Up until tonight I think I was DCG-ing her pretty well, but I think I broke down a bit. She's kind of an odd duck, though -- she's very hand-holdy and snuggly, but our kisses have been nice, but superficial -- no tongue! How weird is that? So I'm not sure what the heck is going on here -- maybe she doesn't either. I suspect DCG would have just stuck his tongue in her mouth and not worried about it; but I didn't manage it. Hmmph!

Annoying Women

2005-05-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night I was out at [sports activity place] and bumped into a woman I know. I'll call her Annoying Crafts Girl (ACG). I've known ACG for about a year, maybe a year and a half. We both participate in [sports activity]. She is about 32, divorced, has a daughter. She teaches crafts for a living (thus the name) and is somewhat on the annoying side. Physically she's cute, in good shape, but a little on the thin side.

Last year we both participated in [sports activity] and she expressed a desire to do [shared sports activity] with me. She's repeated this several times, both to me and to mutual acquaintances. At the time I pretty much told her I didn't have the time for it.

When I saw her Wednesday night we were making small talk -- she was telling me gossip that I already knew (everyone tells me everything). At one point she said something like, "I guess I'm getting cynical -- not getting laid will do that to you." Of course my mental ears went up at that one. Then she went on to once again suggest that we should do [shared sports activity]. This time (forgetting my previous line) I told her "we'll see." She got all excited about this since she decided this meant I am giving in (or starting to).

I'm trying to analyze this one. She IS cute, but like I said, rather annoying. It's hard for me to picture her as GF material. And see how quickly I revert to nice guy mode? I'm not sure whether to continue to ignore her, or give her a little more slack and see what happens.

The ironic part of DCG, if you haven't figured it out yet, is that it's easiest to DCG when you genuinely don't care -- when the girl is unattractive (physically, mentally, spiritually, politically, whatever). Of course that means that you are likely to attract the attention of girls you'd rather not, and have to work hard to DCG the ones that you are actually interested in.

What a twisted world we live in!

Thanks Singular Man!

2005-05-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Singular Man for linking to me and blogging about the Don't Care Guy attitude.

I'll blog more tonight, just wanted to get that in.

High Maintenance Friends

2005-05-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

One of the people in my life is probably my closest friend in town. I'll call her High Maintenance Girl (HMG). I've known HMG for about 4 years. She is considerably younger than me (about 15 years). When I first met her she flirted with me a lot but after some confusion eventually made it quite clear she wasn't attracted to me. We became quite close. HMG is the epitome of the Type-T high maintenance; she calls me several times a day and we hang out a lot (although less lately than we used to), and of course the focus is mostly on her and her issues/problems/life.

HMG ostensibly has a boyfriend, but that hasn't stopped her from lusting after and sometimes sleeping with several guys in the time I've known her.

For the first couple of years that I knew her I was firmly convinced that after she really got to know me she'd be more interested -- hell, I am smart, cute, and I lavish her with attention. Besides, we obviously get along and have a lot in common. It's been in the last year or so where it really sank in (especially as she went on to hook up with several guys, and of course share with me most of the details) that it just wasn't going to happen (okay, so I'm either slow or an optimist). After all, if she never touches you at all it's pretty clear she's not interested, right?

Interestingly enough, this enabled me to really start honing the DCG technique on her -- not so much deliberately or "artificially", but kind of by default -- I really just stopped caring about that part of it. I still like her and enjoy talking to her, but I really don't care about the rest. Besides, it's clear I'd just be a passing fling or another guy in the stable and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Anyway, the point is that I've noticed in the last couple of weeks or so some signs that maybe the DCG thing is having an effect: 1) she's started to call me "sweetie" in her voicemails, something she'd never done before; 2) she was talking last night about her fascination with various guys, and included me in the list, and 3) when she was leaving, she walked around her car to where I was standing on the curb, just to give me a hug.

What does it mean? I don't really know. But the encouraging thing is, I'm not spending much time thinking about it. Why not? Because I don't care.

YES!

High Maintenance

2005-05-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

I wanted to talk a little bit about the subject of "high maintenance". Besides the obvious fact that few women will admit to being "high maintenance" (after all, if we are to believe the personal ads, any of them can go from blue jeans to dressed up and out on the town), I have noticed that the term is a bit confusing. There are, it seems to me, really two types of HM girls:

Type-$ -- to some people this is the stereotype of HM. A HMG-Type-$ will expect you to spend lots and lots of money on her -- dinner, dancing, plays, concerts, shopping, gifts, trips, etc. Your worth to her is dependent in not-so-small measure on your ability to fund her activities. As Good Charlotte said, "vacations and shopping sprees, these are a few of her favorite things."
Type-T -- this one is not so obvious. The HMG-Type-T will want to Talk. A lot. She will call incessantly and expect you to know all the details of her personal life -- her schedule, her friends, what she is thinking/feeling, when her period is, practically everything. Ironically she'll often rag on girls who are HMG-Type-$ -- "aren't you lucky I'm not like that!.

What makes the difference between a normal girl and an HMG? After all, everyone appreciates having money spent on them, and being listened to, so how do you tell? It's simple, really -- it's all about self-centeredness (or lack thereof). HMGs are very self-centered. They expect that because of whatever qualities they may possess, be it a great personality, a great body, intelligence, or what have you, that any guy who is worthy of their time will make them the center of his universe, to the exclusion of almost everything else.

So It Begins

2005-05-01T01:11:00.000-07:00

Greetings! This is the inaugural post of my new blog, Don't Care Guy. Who is Don't Care Guy (DCG), you may ask? DCG is what I'm aspiring to be -- DCG is every woman's dream. While some think that woman only want to date assholes, that's not entirely true. They want to date a guy who's got it going on. They want to date a guy who's maybe not entirely available, but might be. They want to date a guy that is not uninterested; he just doesn't care one way or the other. In other words, they want to date Don't Care Guy.

This blog will chronicle my efforts to transform myself from the stereotypical "nice guy" into DCG. It will be difficult; I've been a nice guy all my life, and as you'd expect, have little to show for it on the dating front. I'm hoping that will change.

Some particulars about me -- I'm early 40s, never been married, no kids. I have a good job in the software biz and a variety of extracurricular activities. I'm not currently dating anyone seriously, but have a few prospects. Oh, and some very interesting (or perhaps not!) friends.

I'll warn you, I have no idea how often I'll post in this blog. It could be every day, it could be once a week. Who knows? Wish me luck!